Saturday, November 17, 2007

Getting Ready For Thanksgiving Day

Hello again,

This is the time of year when we find ourselves sitting down to some impressive feasts. For example, this Thursday our whole family will be gathering at Jonathan and Sharon's house in Vancouver. The house will be crowded but we will have a great time. We will have turkey with all the trimmings, plus loads of desserts and other delightful goodies. It will be a table fit for a king.

There are basically two attitudes we can adopt toward these feast days: (1) we can fret and sweat about pounds and calories, and worry ourselves sick about cholesterol and the toxic effects of tryptophan and candied yams, or (2) we can relax and enjoy the day guilt-free, with all it brings, and take our little nap in the afternoon during the football game while the womenfolk clean up the kitchen. OK ladies, back off! I was just kidding about that last part.

This second attitude is beautifully illustrated in the following, which was sent to me by a friend who was thinking only of my welfare this Thanksgiving. One of the problems with me being a crazy person is that most of my friends are wingnuts too. Princess Carolyn, the one who sent this to me, definitely fits into this category.

Any More Questions?

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a
good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! … Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! Round is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets, and remember, life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Coca Cola in one hand - hamburger in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming – “WOO HOO! What a Ride!”

Still crazy, but not as crazy as Carolyn

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