Saturday, March 7, 2009


Dear crazy friends (and insane relatives),

I'm back, like a bad rash. I'm embarrassed to see how long it's been since I posted anything on here. My Aunt Fern told me the other day to get crackin' and write something because she's tired of checking my blog and finding no updates. So-oooooo, here I go.

But breaking back into the blogging routine is not something to be taken lightly, something you do all at once. You have to kind of ease into it, slowly. So I'm just going to post something to make you smile. At least, something to make you men smile. You ladies might not think this is funny at all. I've observed that women have a weird sense of humor. So at the risk of being considered politically incorrect I give you...

From: Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
Subject: WOMAN—A Chemical Analysis

Element: Woman
Symbol: WO2
Discoverer: Adam (last name unknown)
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118 lbs. but known to vary from 100 to 550 lbs.
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas but also found in rural regions

Physical Properties:
1. Surface sometimes plain but usually covered with a painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points

Chemical Properties:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man

Common Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars and sailboats
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one

Planning to write again soon,