Equal Time for the Ladies

Hail, all ye who read this rag,

I'm back, like a bad rash. I wrote an article back in December entitled "So where do you draw the line?" Check it out. Since then, however, several people have remarked that it was unfair to the women, leaving them out of the discussion entirely. They said that my article was written totally from a man's viewpoint. Duh! OK. So what's your point? I'm a man. That's the only viewpoint I have from which to write. Besides, I was speaking specifically to the problem of what to call old men. Everyone already knows what to call old ladies--"Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. Whatever you say, ma'am."

OK, so here I take up the challenge to list some of the terms used to classify elderly persons of the feminine persuasion. At first I had hoped to get some definitions for the terms and also to be able to put them in some sort of prioritized listing but that didn't work out. There doesn't seem to be any order to the list. I want you all to know, however, that I take up this topic at some personal risk to life and limb. I happen to live with a little ol' lady that can still knock me out with one punch, so I have to be careful. If she reads this she'll beat me like a rented mule. The woman has no sense of humor whatsoever. Just jokin', honey!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, names to describe old women... I've compiled a partial list of names that come easily to mind. Consider the following:

• old hag
• biddy
• battle-ax
• crone
• fishwife
• ol' gray mare
• fussbudget
• witch
• fusspot
• old bat
• dowager
• matron
• old bird
• old bag
• coffin dodger
• blue haired granny
  

As I look over this list I can't help but notice that most of these names have nothing to do with the age of the woman in question but rather more to do with her character, temperament, and personality.

By the way, a friend of my wife sent us an email with the following list of "13 Things PMS Stands For." I'm just passin' it on.

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

When I tried to point out that #5 has 4 words instead of 3 like the others, without saying anything my wife just pointed to #13. That's when I decided it would be better to just leave it alone, if you get my drift.

Walking softly but laughin' like crazy,
Mike