Answers to Life's Persistent Questions

Hello friends,

I'm a Garrison Keillor fan, and every chance I get I enjoy listening to the live Prairie Home Companion show on the radio. In our Portland market it comes on every Saturday from 3-5 PM.

One of Keillor's regular skits is about a private detective named Guy Noir. The script always starts with... "A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions — Guy Noir, Private Eye." But I can tell you that Noir is not the only one with persistent questions. I can relate to that challenge, too.

There is an old German saying that goes, "Ein Narr kann mehr fragen als sieben Weise sagen," which means, "One fool can ask more questions than seven wise men can answer." In Wilson English that means that any idiot can ask dang fool questions without working up a sweat. For example, check these out:

• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
• If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it anyway?
• If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
• If humans evolved from apes, why are they still here?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do we say that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?
• Why is it that if someone yells, "Duck!" they are helping you, but if they yell, "Chicken!" they are insulting you?
• If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
• Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?
• If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?
• Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state : 'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness'?
• If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is their act still called "stand-up"?
• Do deaf people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?
• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?
• Why are red buttons always the most important?
• How is chess considered a sport?
• Why is it when you're sleeping it's called "drool," but when you're awake its called "spit"?
• Why are tennis balls always fuzzy?

See what I mean? I've got a million persistent questions. But these are nothing compared to some others that really plague my mind. For example,

• How is it that we persist in calling ourselves, "a Christian nation" when we have murdered over 45 million babies since January 22, 1973.


• How did it happen that this "Christian nation" came to be the biggest producer and distributor of pornography on the planet?


• Why is it wrong to shoot an abortion doctor but it's OK for him to murder hundreds of innocent babies in his clinic?


• Why is it that we are left to choose the lesser of the evils in every blessed election, and can't seem to come up with even one candidate who has the guts to speak the truth about the direction this country is going and point out that our biggest problems are moral and spiritual, not economic and social?


• How is it that so many "Christians" vote for people and party platforms that are totally at odds with the clear teachings of the Word of God and yet go to sleep at night with clear consciences?

These are the kind of persistent questions for which I seek answers. Unfortunately, I think I already know a lot of the answers, and it scares me to death. If God doesn't bring judgment against this nation He will need to offer His sincere apologies to Sodom and Gomorrah for what He did to them, because they weren't half as rotten as we are here in the good old U.S. of A.

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Speaking of answers to questions... I promised you the answers to that word puzzle I put up yesterday, so here they are. Did you figure them all out?

A. 26 = L of the A [26 Letters of the Alphabet]
B. 9 (Oops, make that 8!) = P in the S S [8 Planets in the Solar System]
C. 1001 = A N [1,001 Arabian Nights]
D. 54 = C in a D (with the J) [54 Cards in a Deck (with the Joker)]
E. 1 = W on a U [1 Wheel on a Unicycle]
F. 11 = P on a F T [11 Players on a Football Team]
G. 2 = T and a P in a P T [2 Turtledoves and a Partridge in a Pear Tree]
H. 200 = D in M when you P G [200 Dollars in Monopoly when you Pass Go]
I. 3 = B M (s h t r) [3 Blind Mice (see how they run)]
J. 57 = H V [57 Heinz Varieties]
K. 64 = S on a C [64 Squares on a Chessboard]
L. 40 = D and N of the G F [40 Days and Nights of the Great Flood]
M. 4 = Q in a G [4 Quarts in a Gallon]
N. 13 = S on the A F [13 Stripes on the American Flag]
O. 12 = S of the Z [12 Signs of the Zodiac]
P. 32 = D at which W F [32 Degrees at which Water Freezes]
Q. 7 = W of the A W [7 Wonders of the Ancient World]
R. 18 = H on a G C [18 Holes on a Golf Course]
S. 90 = D in a R A [90 Degrees in a Right Angle]
T. 29 = D in F in a L Y [29 Days in February in a Leap Year]
U. 5 = D in a Z C [5 Digits in a Zip Code]
V. 1000 = W that a P is W [1,000 Words that a Picture is Worth]
W. 76 = T in the B P [76 Trombones in the Big Parade]
X. 1000000 = M I W for O O Y S [1,000,000 Miles I’d Walk for One Of Your Smiles]
Y. 4 = H of the A [4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse]
Z. 13 = D in a B D [13 Donuts in a Baker’s Dozen]

Still crazy after all these years,
Mike