You're getting a tattoo on your what?

Hello again, my wing nut friends,

I've been traveling to and fro, not stopping long enough to write. But I've repented and come in for a landing, at least for now.

Those of you who occasionally read this blog (both of you) know that I am an impulsive writer, a reactionary, if you will. I see things, I think about them for a while, and then I bust out with comments, usually that no one wants to hear. Really smart writers, on the other hand, are more pro-active. They start with an idea or a thought that has finally bubbled and burbled and worked itself up to the surface of their psyche. Then they write about it.

Like I said, I write about stuff that I see around me. And one of those things that I see is women of all ages getting tattoos, apparently on every part of their anatomy. What is this all about? Who came up with the idea that women need giant sailor tattoos to make them look better?

Now I'm not against women trying to look their best. I'm not against jewelry or makeup. I don't care if women want to color their hair or get their nails and toes painted. In fact, almost any barn looks better with a coat of paint on it! You see, I'm not completely closed minded. However, I don't understand why tattoos are on the rise among women.

Moreover, I have come up with a theory that I am calling "Mike's Law." Here it is: The likelihood that a woman will have a tattoo is in direct proportion to the degree of her ugliness and to her net weight. I have seen more fat, homely women with tattoos than I can count. Does she really think that a big honking tattoo on her meaty calf is going to make her more attractive?

My wife and I drove up to the North Fork Reservoir the other day and sat for a while and watched the boats. A family of four pulled their boat in and started to prepare to leave after a few pleasant hours on the water. The wife and mother of the family was wearing a bra-type top revealing her very ample middle. Her entire waist area was tattooed. What we could see was a band of tattooing about six inches high all around her middle, giving the impression that there was even more under the waist band of her tight-fitting shorts. Seeing her reminded me of Herman Melville's savage cannibal character, Queequeg, in his book, Moby Dick. Ramel diplomatically said, "Maybe she got the tattoo before she put on all that weight." Perhaps. But what the woman has now is an ugly tattooed spare tire around her middle. It ain't pretty!

I even see high school aged girls with tattoos. It makes me want to slap their mothers and fathers for being felony-stupid and apparently unable to pronounce the simple English phrase, "Over my dead body." When I see tattoos on guys I just figure they are idiots. Bubba and his buddies probably got wasted one night and dared each other to get a tattoo. That's just the kind of stupidity I expect from guys. Sorry, fellows but I know whereof I speak. But when girls and women come out sporting tattoos I think they look cheap, as well as stupid--a double whammy.

Now it's disclaimer time. This is my blog and I'm telling you my opinion. You don't have to like it. You don't have to agree with me. But I can't help but think that 99.9% of women who get tattoos when they are young will regret it when they get old. When she gets to be 75-year-old great-grandmother and her little grand-kids ask, "Grandma, what is that weird gray blob on your ankle?" she will rue the day that she got that infernal tattoo. A friend of Ramel's summed it up beautifully. A number of years ago she had a little dog tattooed on her breast. But time marches on and gravity is relentless. She told Ramel that now her little dog looks more like a giraffe!

I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the behavior of people in the world, because pagans do what pagans do, but I am very saddened when I see professing Christians following the same self-destructive fads. A few months ago a youngish woman I know asked me if I could get her a copy of The Lord's Prayer in Greek. She also asked for a copy of the 23rd Psalm in Hebrew. I went down to my office and got my Hebrew OT and my Greek NT and made copies for her of the appropriate pages. I just thought maybe she wanted to frame them or something. She got very excited when I handed her the copies, but then she broke the news to me that she was planning to have one or the other of them tattooed on her back, because she thought it would be "a great testimony." I about passed out! I certainly did not want to be complicit in that train wreck! After I was able to start breathing again I asked her why she thought that would be a good idea. She said that people would probably be curious and would ask her about it, and then she would be able to witness to them. While I praised her for her enthusiasm and desire to share her faith, I tried to point out some obvious loopholes in her misguided plan.

For one thing, I asked her if she had looked into the Scriptures for guidance about this. She said that she had not and didn't even know that the Bible mentions tattoos. I took her to Leviticus 19:28 which plainly says, "Never cut your bodies in mourning for the dead or mark your skin with tattoos, for I am the LORD." Her face went pale when she read this because she already has several other tattoos. She said, "I didn't know that was in there." But indeed, it is.

The heathen used both scarification and tattooing. However, the Lord told His people, Israel, that they were not to participate in those heathen practices. They were to be different and were to treat their bodies as holy unto the Lord. Some of you will undoubtedly jump at the chance to point out that this is an Old Testament passage directed by God to the Jews. It is not specifically about Gentiles and is not written to Christians.

First of all, if you start down that hermeneutical road you'll end up cherry picking the things you like in the OT and rejecting out of hand the things that you find objectionable. The apostle Paul tells us in II Timothy 3:16 that "All Scripture [including the OT] is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness." The fact is that this principle in question is laid down in the Old Testament and then developed much more fully in the New Testament. The NT teaches us that our bodies are the temple of God, the dwelling place of the Spirit of God. Therefore, we are not to defile our bodies with sinful practices because our bodies belong to Him. Paul explains in I Corinthians 6:19-20, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body." Seems pretty clear to me.

In my opinion, for any Christian, male or female, to get a tattoo it is like painting graffiti all over the walls of a great cathedral. It is a sacrilege. Our bodies don't belong to us anymore. We don't have a right to do permanent damage to them, no matter how cute we might think it looks. It's the same as vandals tagging another person's house. It's just wrong. That's what I think.

Crazy, but not stupid enough to get a tattoo,
Mike

How did they do that?

Hello all you loonies,

I have been fascinated by the Prius car ads on TV. Do you know the ones I'm talking about, the ones that use about a gazillion people in colorful costumes to form roads, trees, flowers, and mountains? Every time it comes on TV Ramel and I puzzle over how they do that. Curious minds want to know. So, like my hero, Sherlock Holmes, I went looking for answers.

And what better place to start than the Internet, the source of all that is true and authentic. I found a YouTube video that explains it all. Take a minute to watch it and then I'll have a couple of observations on the other side.



What fascinates me about this is the way it tricks your eyes. Watching the ad you would conclude that it took a cast of thousands, which is not true. They actually only used a crew of 200 extras, then multiplied them electronically using computers so that the finished product looks like 1 million people. To me that is truly amazing.

Are there any spiritual lessons here? I think so. The effect of Christians in the world is greater than their actual numbers. In the same way that Jesus borrowed a little boy's lunch of 5 barley cakes and 2 dried fishes and multiplied them to feed a multitude of 5,000 men plus all their women and children (see John 6:1-14), in the same way God multiplies us, and whatever we put in His hands and He makes it more, bigger, and better.

The Bible says that Christ's followers are light and salt in this world. Salt never stays where it is put. It always spreads out and permeates whatever medium in which it finds itself. And light does the same thing. A little bit of light can go a very long way. Soldiers on the battlefield learn this very quickly. Lighting a cigarette can give your position away to an enemy who is still miles away because that little bit of light spreads out and goes far.

I pastor a very small church, and one that unfortunately has been getting smaller due to a number of factors, some of which I understand and some that I am still trying to figure out. But I digress... My point is that with God's help and empowerment the effectiveness of a group of Christians in a local community can go way beyond their actual numbers. That is important to know and remember at those times when we begin to become discouraged, thinking that we are not having much effect and are failing miserably. Salt is seldom aware of how far its influence spreads, and light never knows how far it can be seen. Our job is just to keep on being faithful to what the Master has called us to do. We'll leave the multiplication to Him.

There is an old hymn that hardly anybody sings anymore. It was composed by Kittie L. Suffield back in 1924 and it's entitled, "Little Is Much When God Is In It." The Gaither Vocal Band has a good rendition of it and I want you to listen to it and pay attention to the words. It is a good reminder that our "little" can become "much" in His hands. A "few" can look like "many" when He is running the production.



One small crazy piece of God's big project,
Miguelito

In the Doghouse?

Hello my wacky friends,

Most of us husbands find it intimidating and perplexing to try and buy good gifts for our wives. In my opinion, any man who says he finds it easy is either lying, or is some kind of weird mutant metro-sexual weenie who should not be taken seriously anyway. At no time will the Mars/Venus thing rear its ugly head more frighteningly than at Christmas, Valentine's Day, her birthday, and your anniversary. These four are the yearly mine fields that every man must pass through, hopefully without getting his legs blown off and bleeding to death.

Let's take a look at a brief case study. What man has not considered getting his little lady a new dishwasher for their anniversary? His reasoning goes this way... "Our old one is broken, we need a new one, and this one is on sale. It will save her a lot of work, for which she will be very grateful. It is in her favorite color. It is expensive, so I know she'll appreciate it. On top of everything, the store guy says they will deliver it on our big day with a big red bow on it. What could possibly go wrong?"

My naive friend, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit! Get out of the appliance section. You are about to make the worst mistake of your life. For the Big Four special occasions mentioned above, appliances are never, I repeat, NEVER, the right gift for the little woman. If you go forward with this plan it will put you in the DOGHOUSE, eating quiche and drinking chai tea for every meal! And you will be there for a very long time. Women have long memories, like elephants and the IRS.

The following husband training video will explain what I am trying to tell you. You young fellows especially, pay close attention.



As an old salty-dog husband who has made his share of near-fatal mistakes in the gift-buying area, I feel more than qualified to tell you young bucks a thing or two. Jewelry is the thing. It is always a sure winner. Chocolates and flowers should accompany the jewelry. Do not buy appliances. Do not buy power tools. Stay away from kitchen utensils or gardening implements of any kind. Besides being a greased slide straight to the doghouse, these things can easily be turned into weapons in the hands of an angry wife. Do not run the risk!

I hope this little instructional session has been helpful. Now go out and sin no more.

Crazy, but still running free,
Mike

Country Kids

Hello wingnuts,

I was just sitting here reflecting on the good ol' days back when I was a kid growing up in the country. I had a wonderful childhood, with freedom to run and play, and with no fears about perverts or molesters. My friends and I spent hours swinging on ropes from the rafters in old barns. We used to hang around the old grain elevator and play hide and seek among the old box cars. I had a horse, a gentle Morgan mare named Trixie, and we rode together all over the hills overlooking Imbler and Summerville. I also had a paper route, starting when I was 7 years old. I delivered the LaGrande Evening Observer to people all over the Imbler area, riding my little red 20" bicycle. When I got hired for that job I was the youngest paper boy in Oregon and have an old yellowed newspaper clipping to prove it.

Later we moved to Dallas, OR where we had a big ranch style house out on the Dallas/Rickreall Hwy. I went to Orchard View School when I was in the 5th Grade. It was a two-room country school house. The first and second graders were in one room and the 3rd-5th graders were in the other. We played baseball or dodge-ball during recess. Again, I had a horse and a dog and freedom to wander and it was wonderful. My friends and I used to swim in Rickreall Creek and go out shooting our .22's and doing a bunch of other crazy stuff that my children have been prevented from doing because of growing up in cities.

Looking back I know that I was very fortunate. I got to do all the things that people today are paranoid about. I got my first gun from my Uncle Ray when I was seven. It was a single-shot .22 rifle that he had cut down for my Aunt Lois to shoot but she never got interested in it so he gave it to me. I always carried a knife, and a big sharp one. In fact, every kid I knew carried a knife, even some of the girls. It was normal, and no one ever thought of using it to hurt another person. Most homes back then had gun cabinets and they were always unlocked. Farmers also usually had a rifle in a rack in their pickup. They would park on the street in LaGrande and not even roll up the window. No one would think of stealing it.

Lots of people never locked their houses back then, unless they left for vacation and were planning to be gone for a week. Our house was never locked during the day. I didn't have a house key until I was a junior in high school and we were living in Salem. Up until then I had never needed one. Looking back I see that I was growing up in a different world than the ones my children and grandchildren know. It makes me melancholy to realize that they will never have those experiences.

A friend sent me the following and I thought it was funny. It kind of goes along with what I have just been saying. Enjoy...

The Tennessee Farm Kid
(Writing a letter home from San Diego MARINE CORPS Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call “hand-to-hand combat training.” You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that old bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake... I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6” and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8” and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Oh, yea... did I happen to mention that the girls were pretty tough back then too? You just gotta love those farm girls.

Old and crazy, and remembering those good days,
Mike

Rube Goldberg lives on

Hi Ho, crazy people,

The name, Rube Goldberg, may or may not mean anything to you. Reuben Goldberg (1883-1970) was an American cartoonist, sculptor, author, engineer, and inventor who received a 1948 Pulitzer Prize for his political cartooning. However, he is probably best known for his series of very popular cartoons depicting "Rube Goldberg contraptions," complex devices that perform simple tasks in indirect and complicated ways. I grew up hearing my Dad use the expression that such-n-such "looked like a Rube Goldberg deal." Anything that was sort of patched together and makeshift but could get the job done was classified as a Rube Goldberg contraption.

The real Rube Goldberg is dead and his cartoons are long forgotten but his name and his creative genius live on. In fact, there is an annual Rube Goldberg contest and convention where people from all over the world compete to make the most outrageous machines to do the simplest things. The following video was produced by Honda. I love it! I think Rube Goldberg would have loved it too.



I find that I am sometimes like Rube Goldberg. I am guilty of making things difficult that should be simple. Notice that I didn't say, "easy." Some things are simple and uncomplicated, yet difficult. For example, being a Christian is simple, but not easy. But all too often we make it harder by making it complicated. Does that make any sense?

Let me give you an example of what I'm trying to say. Christians often turn Christianity into a list of rules, of do's and don'ts, much like the ancient Pharisees did with God's Law. We build fences and we create our own religious rules to live by. But what does God require of us? Micah 6:8 says, "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." That is not easy, but it is pretty simple. Or how about Deuteronomy 10:12-13? "And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?" Jehovah God through the prophet Isaiah sums it up this way in Isaiah 1:16-17, "Wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of My sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow." One more passage to make my point. James 1:27 says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

There are a lot of Rube Goldberg Christians running around. They make complicated what God intended to be simple. Again, notice that I didn't say, "easy." Being a follower of Jesus has never been easy but let's not complicate it any more than it needs to be.

Still crazy and not improving,
Miguelito

Offline and out of circulation...

Hello crazy friends,

I can't believe it's been so long since my last blog entry. I have no good excuse except that I've been busy and also running on my reserve tank. I've discovered that blogging is not easy. To continually come up with new insights or to find interesting tidbits is hard and time consuming. I apologize to those of you who occasionally check in at this blog to see what I've been up to. Aunt Fern, I'll try to do better.

I did find something that I think is amazing and I want to share it with you. This is a video by a group called The VOCA People. They are an amazing acappella singing group. I think you will agree.



Our son, Christopher, is staying with us for a few days. He flew up from Rio for a UFC fight that was supposed to happen on Saturday, May 23rd. However, his fight got canceled due to a snarl-up with his medical record. It wasn't Chris' fault and the UFC went ahead and paid his fight fee and will reschedule him for the next possible UFC event, perhaps as early as the end of June. At any rate, it was disappointing for all of us. He was cocked, loaded, and ready to go. Oh well.

Please remember to pray for him and his family. They were recent victims of a home invasion robbery in Rio that was very traumatic. We just thank God that He spared them and that all four of them came out of it alive. You can read Chris' account of the robbery on his website at http://www.chriswilsonmma.com. It's one of the first blog entries, entitled "It was scary."

Until next time,
Mike

A.W.O.L.

Dear crazy friends (and insane relatives),

I'm back, like a bad rash. I'm embarrassed to see how long it's been since I posted anything on here. My Aunt Fern told me the other day to get crackin' and write something because she's tired of checking my blog and finding no updates. So-oooooo, here I go.

But breaking back into the blogging routine is not something to be taken lightly, something you do all at once. You have to kind of ease into it, slowly. So I'm just going to post something to make you smile. At least, something to make you men smile. You ladies might not think this is funny at all. I've observed that women have a weird sense of humor. So at the risk of being considered politically incorrect I give you...

From: Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
Subject: WOMAN—A Chemical Analysis

Element: Woman
Symbol: WO2
Discoverer: Adam (last name unknown)
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118 lbs. but known to vary from 100 to 550 lbs.
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas but also found in rural regions

Physical Properties:
1. Surface sometimes plain but usually covered with a painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points

Chemical Properties:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man

Common Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars and sailboats
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation

Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

Hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one

Planning to write again soon,
Mike